In The Midst of Chaos, I Found Him.


            I keep falling. And every time I try to stand, it only results in me falling harder. You see, I had all of these plans, a list of things I wanted to accomplish and the time I wanted to accomplish them by. And then when I fail, and I’m left in the middle of my complex plans, I ask why. Why can’t I have something so great but yet the closest I come to getting it is getting to witness someone else receive it instead? Why can’t that be me? What am I doing wrong? And then I begin to pray. But that is the problem. I only turn to God when I don’t get my way instead of praying in the beginning of making my plans. When did I think that I could rule my own life without the hand of God to lift it up?

            My biggest mistake is trying to fit God into my life instead of making my life revolve around Him. I neglect to realize that life was a gift and the set of instructions to put mine together is still in the hands of God. Instead, I try to believe that I know what is best for me, that this is my life and I should be in control. But what if the thing I wanted the most was never supposed to be mine? What if I was meant to receive something so much bigger and I turned my back on it because I thought I wanted something else.

            Here is the thing. We have free will to make our own choice, but can we honestly choose the right choice if we don’t ask for God’s input? The other night, it was about midnight, and I was extremely stressed about school. I felt like every effort I put into school was not good enough and I began to wonder if I would ever be good enough to do what I wanted to do. So, I closed up my books and laid down in bed. It had to be a few weeks since I last prayed because I had no idea what to say. I was so busy with trying to make something of my life that I never left time to talk to God about anything. I think, in a way, I was avoiding Him because I was afraid that what I wanted to do, no matter how much I wanted it, was not mine to do because God didn’t want that for me. And I didn’t want to find out if my theory was true.

            But this night was my breaking point. I curled up in my bed and I just began to pray. And I prayed until I felt tears falling down my face while my heart held relief. In the midst of chaos, in the middle of all the stress and responsibilities I had, I felt relief because I felt like I was at home when I was talking to God. I didn’t ask for anything specific like an A on the test I had that week or anything like that. I just explained what had been going on in my life and explained my end goal. And the last thing, and the only thing, I asked for was for God to make everything okay. Just make everything alright because I’m tired and I cannot do this by myself any longer.


            That week was one of the busiest but also the most eye opening weeks I ever experienced. Everything was taken care of. All the problems I was stressing about before I prayed ended up solving themselves out the next day, something that never happened, and people who I thought I cared about showed their true colors and intentions during this week. It made me more confused but allowing me to know the current options I had. When I prayed, when I gave my life to God instead of trying to take control of it by myself. Even though I was surrounded by problems and God gave me more situations in my life that stirred up more emotions, I was able to find out what I want and who I wanted to be. That whole week had begun to change my life because I allowed God to change it.

             Life was never something we were supposed to experience alone. It was never meant to be controlled by ourselves alone. The beauty of life is getting to live it not only with God but for God. We were created for so much and only a small number of us ever get to experience everything because we hold ourselves back. Stop holding back and explain your plans to God. But most importantly, listen to His answers no matter the form they come to you in.