I Am Growing.


They say you have to hit rock bottom in order for you to begin to move forward. You have to mess up so badly that you don’t see a way out so that way when God shows you the light at the end of the tunnel, you don’t take it for granted. And maybe you shouldn’t even question it. But it takes time and suffering to get out of a bad situation because, it’s simple, you are growing.

            Three months ago I wasn’t quite sure who I was or what I liked. I had been so focused on school and just doing my best that I forgot about taking care of myself. And once school ended and Christmas break began, I was scared. I was scared because I no longer had work to throw myself into and avoid the fear of not knowing who I was. What did I like? Who inspired me? Was I a good friend and, overall, a good person?  Had I been doing my best? Could I do more? I was confused about what I wanted to do with my life and who I wanted to be. So, as any almost 20 year old would think to do, I tried to fix me. I tried to find out who I was and who I wanted to be. It started with self help books, and then church podcasts (an overload of church podcasts), paying extraordinary attention in my metaphysics class, and, lastly, reading my bible. And it seemed to me like three out of the four methods I was using all had different opinions on what I should do, and I was now at a conflict of trying to figure out which one to listen to and who exactly I should be.

            I tried to take each piece of advice with a grain of salt, and I tried to learn something from each source instead of following one step by step. Metaphysics taught me to make good choices and be an honest and just human being. It taught me how to repair my soul that has been buried within me by textbooks and overloading myself in school work. My church podcasts taught me not only the modern day take on lessons from the bible, but it taught me how to live the way God would want me to. It taught me the importance for caring about all of God’s creatures and be kind to others even when they are not kind to me. It taught me how to share God and allow others to see him through me. My self help books taught to be kind but don’t let others walk all over you. They taught me that only I can make my dreams come true, nobody is going to do it for me. and lastly, my bible taught me that I was doing this all wrong. I was trying to find out how to be the most perfect human being by balancing all of these methods, but, instead, my bible told me I didn’t have to do that. Jesus died for my sins because He knew I wasn’t perfect, and, therefore, He never expects me to be perfect.

            There’s going to be moments where I slip up and allow my emotions to get the best of me in a situation. I’m not always going to make the right choices. I’m going to compare my progress with someone else’s because I am competitive even though I know my only competition should be myself. But I am also going to have good days where I give my time or money to someone who needs it more than me without hesitation. I’m going to make the right choice even when it doesn’t feel good because it is the right thing to do. I’m going to be honest and fair. It’s just like everything else in life, you’re going to have slip ups because you’re growing. You’re finding out who you are and what God has called you to do. You can later on maybe correct these slip ups, but you’re not going to be 100% perfect all the time. That’s not living, that is acting. But I wasn’t looking at it like this. I was aiming for perfection. I was aiming to be the best instead of doing my best. I was trying to fix myself when I wasn’t even broken to start out with, I was just in need of some self-discovery and growth.

            We often try to hard. We try to be the best. We try to get our revenge. And we try to be perfect. But if God honestly expected us to be perfect 24/7, then He wouldn’t have given us free will. But He did because He didn’t want little ‘robots’ running around pretending to live a life that had been dictated for them. Instead, He created human beings who sometimes misuse free will and sometimes don’t always make the correct decisions. But at least we are constantly growing. At least we are living. And when we do make mistakes, we can turn to God and apologize because He is going to understand what you are dealing with. Your creator is going to be proud you growing instead of you pretending to be perfect.